32 Flavours...and then Some!

...I had to say goodbye to one of the best friends I had in the world.

Jazz came to me and my ex-husband in November of 1996 when she was about 2 years old. The branch manager at the job I was at at the time wanted to re-home her before the birth of his child, thinking she would be too much of a bother after the birth, so he asked around the branch to see if there might be any takers before bringing her back to a shelter. I jumped at the chance--we wanted a kitty Really Bad, and our landlady said we could have one whenever we were ready to adopt one.

Jazz stayed with me when me and the ex split up (we had three cats at the time--Jazz, Maddie, and Smudge; I kept Jazz and Smudge because they were so tightly bonded). She comforted me then, as she'd comforted me through the death of my father and then again with the death of my mother. She helped me celebrate good times, too, always there for me no matter what, loving on me when I needed her most, amusing me to no end with her little quirks (she loved laps, sleeping under the covers with me, and "spanks" from J), and generally being A Very Good Cat.

Saying goodbye to her was bittersweet, even at 19 years old and knowing she was in discomfort that we would not be able to rid her of. She was the closest thing to a child I've had up to this point and the longest I've ever been owned by any other animal in my life. Even a year and a day out, I still miss her so...

Here's a picture of her in much younger years, in her bed at my former flat. She loved that bed, and after she died, Ra took it over for himself at long last...



Rest well, Jazz kitty. You are still very much missed and very much loved...

Got the call at around 1300 that her ashes were at the cat clinic. I was in the middle of running errands and had some frozen stuff that needed to get home and in the freezer, so I didn't get to the clinic to pick her up until around 1400...

Her temporary urn is in a sealed box that came in a dark blue velvet bag that has "Until we meet again "The Rainbow Bridge"" embroidered on it with yellow thread. It also has a card with it. All will be opened later, once J and I are both home, probably after bowling tonight.

While I'm incredibly relieved and glad that she's back home where she belongs, I also have an immense sad right now. Been fighting back tears since they called me to tell me she was back from the crematory. This is NOT how I wanted to bring my baby home, but I take comfort that her spirit is somewhere out there in The Great Beyond, over The Rainbow Bridge, watching over us til we meet again. She's a good Guardian Angel, as are her "sisters" Smudge and Diva and her countless cousins whom I'm sure she's gotten to know by now and is trying to be her quiet alpha self among them all...

Sigh. My poor, sweet girl. Finally home...

I finally made my decision regarding Jazz's final resting place...This is the one I chose. Thanks to botia for pointing me directly to the seller, who not only had a better price than amazon, but also offered engraving personalization, which I also took advantage of. Her engraving is Jazz on the top line, with "always in our hearts" for the first and only sentiment line. Instead of the paws in the the example picture on the sides of the engraving, I opted for hearts. Her collar had red hearts on it, so I thought that was most appropriate. I kept it simple. I tried to think of things we sang to her or said to her, but nothing was quite right save for "always in our hearts". Because that's definitely where she will be...

While I'd prefer a brass urn over cold cast resin, I think this was the best choice for my baby. J liked it best of all the choices I was pondering, and his opinion in this is very important, too. It was also "most popular" in the user poll I put on all the various social media accounts I use, so that helped sway my decision as well.

While hers was a cloth basket and not a woven basket, Jazz spent copious amounts of time sleeping in her basket. It suits her memory. I'm pleased with my final decision.

I just hope it gets here before her ashes do...but if not, that'll be okay, too.

If the pic doesn't show here, please go to http://www.lady-curmudgeon.livejournal.com to view it!



This picture is an example of why I'm fond of the first urn in my last post. When Jazz came to live with me in 1996 she came with the cat bed she's relaxing in in the picture. Her previous owners advised me she never used this bed, but once she was settled in at my place she took to the bed to chill out and relax quite often. I think it helped that I kept the bed underneath the heating vent in a quiet area of the living room, that she felt comfortable and safe there.

Once I moved down to Bolingbrook, her bed (and she a good chunk of the time) took up residence in the office, where J and I spend a great deal of time playing on our respective computers. The bed is located right inside the span of the door next to the door way, which seems like a counter intuitive place to want to hang out with all the activity going in and out of the door, but she still loved hanging out in her bed with her blanket nonetheless. As she aged, she spent more and more time in that bed...

Right now I've pretty much eliminated the Rainbow Bridge themed urn and the black urn with the cat etched into it. It's between the cat in the cat bed urn and the simple purple brass urn with the paw prints on the lid now. J seems fond of the cat in the cat bed urn, largely because it reminds him of Jazz hanging out in her bed. I tend to agree, but man, do I love that beautiful purple urn, too!

Decisions, decisions...At least I've narrowed it down to two from four! That's progress...

...to all of you who've read all my natterings about my sweet Jazz kitty over the last week or so, who kept us in their thoughts and cheered us on, to those who mourn with us, J and I offer a belated but very heart felt Thank You for your concern and caring. Your friendship means the world to us, especially during this difficult time.

(((((big big loving hugs)))))) to each and every one of you!

*ever so grateful*

Once J got home around 1235ish we sat down for a talk. I told him what was going on with Jazz and what Dr. Bajwa's recommendations were. We pondered bringing Jazz home for one more night with us, but decided she was in too bad of shape to risk bringing her home only to have her life end at an emergency vet in the middle of the night like Diva's did.

We got to the clinic around 1310 or so. Dr. B showed us the x-rays he'd taken earlier, explained where the fluid was congregating at and what he thought it probably meant--some sort of cancer. We told him we thought Jazz should be taken out of her misery. He agreed we were making the right choice. He asked if we wanted to take her home for one last time, but explained how she very well might crash at any time. We thought about it, looked at each other, and shook our heads no at the same time.

Dr. B brought Jazz to us in one of the exam rooms so we could take some time to sit with her and give her pettins and lovins. We loved on her as much as we could, taking turns holding her on our laps snuggled in her blankie from her cat bed from home. She purred a lot, but was so very tired looking and her breathing labored. Around 1405 we summoned Dr. B into the room--we were ready to send her over The Bridge...It was a two-tiered process: first a strong sedative to relax her and attempt to put her into unconsciousness, then the final shot that would stop her heart. He gave her the sedative and left us to say our final goodbyes. We stroked her and told her how very much we loved her, to go to sleep and that she'd feel better later. Stubborn ol' broad fought the sedative and tried to sit up! We were amazed because before that she's seemed so weak and unsure of herself sitting up. About 20 minutes later, Dr. B came in with the final shot; shaving a spot on her hind leg to make sure he got a good vein. It only took a minute or two for her to be still. He confirmed what we already knew--she was gone.

She goes over The Rainbow Bridge to meet up with her sisters Smudge and Diva, and countless "cousins" from when I was growing up. No doubt pets you've sent over the Bridge will have met her by now and she's got a slew of new friends. She's healthy and whole again, able to run free and watch over us until we meet again...

Our Jazz was a fighter. Chronic renal disease barely slowed her down most of the time--she fought it since March of 09. She would've kept trying to fight had we let her, but we both knew she was too tired to go on...Her body gave up on her, but her spirit never did. That makes me smile through my tears...

Rest well, Jazz baby. Mama and Daddy love you, so do your brothers Ra and Lars. You're leaving a vast gaping hole in our hearts that nothing or no other cat will ever refill. You are loved more than we can express. Be free, honey...be free...

She was with us on the bed most of the night, I think. Gave her the AM meds and once off the table she sneaked off and hid on us. Took us about 15 minutes to finally find her hiding under the cover on the living room futon. She has since relocated several times in more open areas like hers and Lars' beds.

Hiding behaviors are not the best sign, and I was going to call the vet anyway based on how she was eating and how she's not had hardly any output over the course of the weekend. Managed to get us in at 1130 with Dr. B. I don't know what he's going to be able to do for us, but...yeah.

If you're the praying/chanting/healing energy sending sort of person, do send some of your positive energy our way. I think we're going to need every single bit of positive energy we can get right now...

She spent most of the night last night with me on the bed. I can tell because if she's on the bed because I contort around her as to not disturb her in my sleep and my legs and lower back were all sorts of sore this morning, which is usually a good way to know I've been contorted most of the night. ;)

We gave her her usual morning meds including the cyproheptadine for appetite, but she only ate the gravy and a few meaty bits of her chicken flavored gravy lovers fancy feast this morning. She then went and laid on my side of the bed and stayed there resting quietly most of the day. I joined her for awhile and she snuggled with me some of the time, but was mostly content to be tucked behind my knees while I was curled up on my side. She was breathing a bit harder again today while we were laying there, so I had J come check her respirations--she was at around 40 breaths per minute, which is a smidge too fast, but nothing to be totally concerned about just yet.

Still, she's been unusually quiet. She's barely left the bed since late this morning near as I can tell. I brought her bowl to her around 1400 to see if she'd eat--she did nom down a bit more of the leftover meaty bits from breakfast, so that's good, but didn't finish the little bit that was there. We had some errands to run and stopped for a bite to eat at a mom-n-pop burger joint and were gone for a couple of hours. When we got back home I noticed a few more meaty bits were gone from her bowl and Lars' leftover meaty bits were gone from his bowl. I think Jazz got up and nommed while we were gone because Lars is not one to go back and eat his leftover meaty bits out of his bowl, but Jazz loves them. So hopefully it was her that ate them...

She was back on the bed in nearly the same spot she was when we left, head down, half asleep. I keep telling myself she went through two fairly substantial procedures this week both with sedation plus a quick bath last night because she shat and pissed herself in the carrier on the way home from the vet last night, so she should be this tired from all that action. But she's eerily quiet, and it's a bit disconcerting. :/ I gave her the PM dose of cyproheptadine about a half hour ago and will try to feed her a bit of a different gravy lovers flavor in a little while and see what happens. If she doesn't really eat that, then I'll give her some of the leftover turkey. I continue to be ever so worried about my sweet, sweet girl...

As posted from Facebook a few minutes ago...

Jazz had an abdominal ultrasound this morning to check for masses in her abdomen and to verify what her kidneys are looking like in relation to her chronic kidney disease. I am happy to report there were no masses found anywhere, which is a good thing. Abdomen and liver are clear and fine. Her kidneys are another story, though; her right is 2.9cm big and left is 2.4cm. Normal kidneys in a cat are supposed to be around 4cm or slighly larger for a cat her size. Because there were no masses to be found, this indicates that Jazz is in fairly substantial chronic kidney disease/failure. No surprise there, but still, pretty bad.

A mid-sized amount of free fluid was found floating around in the abdomen. It's unknown if this is related to the fluid that was in the chest cavity on Monday or not. Regardless, most of it was removed to make her more comfortable and also in hopes that more comfortable = better appetite. A small amount of fluid still remains in her chest cavity, but not enough to really worry about compared to the trauma/stress it would cause to remove same. She's likely to have to go back in again sometime in the future if it continues to build up and her breathing becomes laboured again. When and if that happens, Dr. Choy wants to send a sample of the removed chest cavity fluids into the lab to test for microscopic cancer cells. I don't know why this is so bloody important--we won't treat any cancer in Jazz anyway, but Dr. Choy says it's important to know as far as the rest of her palliative care is concerned. Whatever, as long as the test doesn't cost an arm and a leg...I know that sounds uncaring, but I still have to afford the daily care for Jazz and since we wouldn't be actively treating a cancer anyway...yeah...

Because we can't do much for her kidneys without risking more fluid retention and stress on her lungs, heart and body, we are now in what Dr. Choy refers to as supportive care or making sure Jazz is comfortable for the remainder of her life, rather than in the more aggressive active treatment care mode she was getting before which included sub-cutaneous fluids and special diet. She'll still get her benazepril pill to help treat blood pressure issues related to the kidney failure. Lasix was re-added to her meds to control fluid retention in her chest cavity and abdomen. A new, stronger appetite stimulant is on order and will be in on Monday for us to try to see if we can't stimulate her appetite enough to get her to eat more again. A pain med was also added to help keep her comfortable because Jazz's hunched posture when sitting and moving around is a clear indicator to Dr. Choy that Jazz very well may be in discomfort. She's also to continue taking pepcid for stomach acid control and her constipation prevention meds.

As for food, we're to try to get her to eat whatever the hell it is she'll eat that she'll keep down. She's largely rejected her daily A/D prescription food lately, so off we'll go to PetSmart and see what tasty kinds of wet foods they might have that she might eat that we can try for her. She's still more than amenable to small amounts of K/D (renal failure food) kibble, so we'll keep giving her that. If it ends up coming down to it, I'll go back to feeding her cooked chicken (either boil it or bake it, whichever she'll eat.) if I have to. The key is to make sure she continues to eat enough so her liver doesn't start to give out on us as well.

Sigh. Sounds a lot like we're done actively treating the kidney disease for the most part. No ideas on how long Jazz will be able to live without said treatments, but I would guess her kidney disease will progress more without out the more aggressive care. Time to start preparing myself for the Final Journey, methinks...and this makes me oh-so-very sad, indeed...

...and doing relatively okay. She was still pretty stoned when we brought her home, which made getting around the house tough for her. She was a bit restless, too, which didn't help matters. She'd stagger around, sit for a few minutes seeming to clear her head, then try moving again. She managed to make it to the litter box in the hallway twice to do her business, so she was enough with it to do that. Then she'd stagger back to the bedroom where we were, likely looking for reassurance, though she didn't really want to be near us very much. We'd been hoping she would settle on the bed with us and let the sedation wear off by resting with us, but...She was not having much of that, though; she finally settled herself on the couch in the living room for awhile.

She did finally settled down on daddy's lap on the bed in the master bedroom for awhile not long after spending time in the living room, mainly I think for warmth's sake. Around 1845 we decided she was un-stoned enough to leave the house and go do necessary grocery shopping for the impending holiday. By the time we got home around 2000 she was getting around the house just fine and the sedation seems to be completely out of her system now. She's eaten a bit of food, though not enough in my estimation, but she's at least showing interest in her food so that's good. She's had a bit of water to drink as well, so that's also a good thing.

She's still breathing pretty fast, but not as labored as this morning, so the removal of the pleural effusion helped her quite a bit. We're to monitor her breathing here at home; normal resting respiration for a cat her age is just under 30 breaths per minute. If she goes over 40-44 we're to give one of the vets a call to see what next steps are as it could be a sign she's collecting fluids in her chest cavity again...Gonna be an interesting time of it in the coming days...

As I think I've posted before this, we're not to give her any sub-cutaneous fluids until told otherwise. All other meds are to continue as prescribed. We'll give her her famotidine and her benazepril tonight, but no enulose--don't want to take a chance on her aspirating any of it if she's still got any of the sedative in her system. Will resume that again tomorrow night.

Poor dear looks a sight--she's shaved on her right side on the rib cage area where they did the procedure (with a little red pin prick visible where the needle went in) and a shaved bit on her right front foreleg where the catheter was for the IV they gave her for the fluids to sedate her. I'd post a pic of her but I don't want to embarrass her. ;) I'm sure she'll likely be seeking me out for warmth tonight when it's bedtime. I love having her under the covers with me.

Tomorrow I should be getting a call with blood panel results. I hope her kidneys are relatively stable since we'll be going into an unknown length of time being unable to give her the sub-cutaneous fluids. We'll be in consultation with both Dr. Lehal and Dr. Bajwa together to decide what steps to take next. It's a bitch working between two different vets, but we want Dr. B to have input as well since he's her regular vet and has back history of her care. Dr. Lehal is also willing to work with him to get him up to speed so he can re-take over her care once he's back in the office.

I'm ever so glad that Brookville Animal Hospital was able to take Jazz in today for us. The folks at Humane Haven Animal Shelter are so right--he is a top-notch veterinarian. We even got a 10 percent discount off the bill for being volunteers at the shelter! :) That was an immense help, as it was a pretty steep bill considering all they did for her today. Thank Bast for an almost empty Visa card balance. She's worth every penny, though. My sweet, sweet girl.