The grief level is high right now, so is the depression. I find myself sleeping more than I should, which isn't a great idea when trying to keep depression under control. I've had a tension headache on and off since Wednesday morning when I woke up. On top of everything else death wise there was the first death anniversary of my good friend and bowling teammate Linda, who died of breast cancer on 19 July 2012. All and all, not the best of weeks...
Diva's passing was hard enough, but I found myself grieving my parents' loss all over again, though not to an incredibly strong degree. Regardless, it's there and I acknowledge it. I emptied the kibble out of Diva's food bowl, but I've yet to bring myself to thoroughly clean it or her water bowl from her former hidey hole in the guest bedroom where she took all her meals. Her urn came on Wednesday and we put her cremains bag in it and put her to rest on the top of my bookshelf next to her sister Smudge. That made both J and I get all teary. :( It's going to be so weird without her presence for a long while. She was our chaperone kitty--she liked to sleep between the space between our pillows on our bed at night. That on its own is a huge thing missing, as neither of the other two kitties have taken her place there. The whole routine of her extensive care is now a thing of the past, which means more free time for me during the day and J at night and fewer trips out to the cat clinic for vet appointments and supplies. She's not sitting on the armrest of my or J's recliners anymore at night when we're watching TV. She's no longer a lump under the covers on the bed to meep at us we come and go during the day. No more kidneys/health to worry about any more. Just a huge presence in our house--gone forever...
Then there's Terry's passing. While not completely shocked by it all, it has knocked me for an emotional loop, which has left me somewhat surprised. We weren't all that close, only communicating via the occasional LJ post comment in each other's journals, but...yeah. We friended each other just over ten years ago--way back when I first came to LJ in late '02. He was one of my first LJ friends. We weathered many a storm together via our journals--his trials and tribulations over the years along with mine. Sometimes we counseled each other, other times just read and commiserated without a word. There were good times, and lots of funny and witty posts from both sides. :) That's what I find myself missing terribly--the good stuff he used to post all the time with the convenient "share" button at the bottom of most of the posts. ;) He was just always "there", and now he's gone forever. By his own hand, which makes it exponentially more horrible. I feel so many emotions when I think about him--sadness for sure, some anger, guilt for not being able to see how bad things must have gotten for him, love for a long-time friend...Just so much, and so intense. So much for online friends not meaning as much to a person as IRL friends, eh?
I've been to this rodeo before on all fronts--both cat loss and friend loss to suicide and disease. I know it's hard, especially at first, when things are so new and raw. I know it gets easier over time, that I should take it as it comes, cry it out if I can, try not to sleep too much, try to keep busy to keep my mind off of things. The standard grief management stuff...
I dunno...At the relatively young age of 44, I find myself feeling like I'm getting too old for this shit. At the same time, though, I realize there's a lot more of this death stuff to come in my life as I get older. It's the circle of life, all rot. Great...If anything, I'll get "better" at grieving, right? One can only hope...
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