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We went out for comfort food at our favorite family run restaurant after we were done at the vet and stuffed ourselves pretty much silly. Once we got home J was able to get in a fitful nap, but I was too restless to sleep. Called J's parents to let them know our sad news while J napped. J's Mom is such a great lady! Always knows exactly what to say. Once I got off the phone with her I double checked my phone to make sure I texted everyone who isn't on social media who should know about what happened today; I had. What else did I need to do?
Sat and aimlessly tried to browse through my social feeds (twitter, LJ, facebook, tumblr) but that wasn't "right" either. Got up and decided to put Jazz's med bottles in the basket where her other mostly unused but saved meds are kept--later on I'm sure we'll stash it out of sight somewhere or throw them away entirely. I cannot wait to get rid of the half used bag of lactated ringers we still have hanging up in the kitchen, nor can I wait to take down the hooks from which we hung both Jazz's and Diva's fluid bags. A bad memory to be out of sight at last...
That wasn't "right" either, so I sat back down at my desk and fluttered around youtube for awhile, then went back to trying to read my social feeds and listen to my iTunes. This still doesn't feel "right", but it'll do for right now because it doesn't take a whole helluva lot of concentration like reading a book would, and I'm not in the mood to watch teevee right now, either.
I was planning on leaving Jazz's cat bed in the office for Ra to use, as a sort of comfort thing, but J wasn't so sure he could take looking at it right now, so he took Jazz's old bed out of the office and replaced it with the brand new spare bed we got from a friend from at the shelter (Laurel Burch designs FTW) and put it where Jazz's bed used to be. Ra is a bit confused by the new edition and lays on the floor along side it instead. ;/
I'm just so...restless and bereft...largely from wondering what I'm going to do to fill my days now that they don't involve the intense care taking of a sickly, very elderly cat. It mostly involved small, frequent feedings; monitoring of her toilet habits; keeping track of her med schedule; and making sure to plan week day appointments around J's ability to work from home so he could feed her while I was gone. That and logging most of her activities for vet purposes if she got sicker, which was actually a bit time consuming sometimes. I also won't be making weekly trips to the vet's clinic for supplies and food. I don't have to do any of that any more. While that's guiltily somewhat freeing, especially for my pocketbook, it's also, again, leaving me feeling a bit adrift and bereft.
I grieved hard for Diva cat when we lost her back in July, but because I still had Jazz to care for I didn't have this weird restless and as distinctly adrift and bereft feeling. I know we just lost her, that it'll take time to adjust to her being gone, especially since I had her as part of my life for 17 years. That I shouldn't be so hard on myself wondering why I feel as I do. What I'm going through is perfectly natural and "right" and I just need to "feel it in order to heal it." I need to accept that my role as care giver is now extremely diminished--Ra's got chronic issues that require pills in the AM and PM, but nothing that major where he can't be left alone for a day without one of us here. Lars is a completely healthy four year old; he, too, can be left alone for a day or night if the urge comes to us. That's something we haven't been able to experience for over four years since Jazz first fell ill with her renal failure. And that's a WEIRD feeling!
As for how the cats are doing...Ra seems to be alright, though he's hanging out nearby in the doorway to the office, but Lars is definitely picking up on the stress and grief in the house. He looks worried and spent some time sitting on J's lap here in the office. I'm sure we'll notice more bewilderment in the coming days as they realize Jazz isn't coming home again. I'm prepared for the boys to act out with each other, and for Lars to perhaps "think outside the box" a time or two as well. We'll love on them extra much in the coming days to comfort them; I believe animals grieve the loss of their peers, so...yeah...
It's the little things that'll "get" us in the coming days--a stray sparkle ball or mouse she used to play with, her food bowl on the floor (which J just tripped over and decided to hide in the cabinet under the kitchen sink), stuff like that. I won't have my sleeping buddy anymore--she would always end up camped on my side of the bed at night after J rolled over on his side. I'll have to temporarily substitute for awhile with my stuffed dog. Maybe now Lars will attempt to sleep on the bed more--we were both pretty sure Jazz intimidated him with her alpha cat status and that kept him from coming to sleep with us on the bed. We shall see.
I think it's going to take me a long while to adjust to a life without Jazz. Can't be with some living thing for 17 years and one week (I got her the week before Thanksgiving in 1996) and not have an adjustment period when they've left you. I've got J and all my friends (both in real life and cyber) to lean on and a good therapist, LOL. I've been to this rodeo before--I should come out of this just fine...I hope! :/
Sat and aimlessly tried to browse through my social feeds (twitter, LJ, facebook, tumblr) but that wasn't "right" either. Got up and decided to put Jazz's med bottles in the basket where her other mostly unused but saved meds are kept--later on I'm sure we'll stash it out of sight somewhere or throw them away entirely. I cannot wait to get rid of the half used bag of lactated ringers we still have hanging up in the kitchen, nor can I wait to take down the hooks from which we hung both Jazz's and Diva's fluid bags. A bad memory to be out of sight at last...
That wasn't "right" either, so I sat back down at my desk and fluttered around youtube for awhile, then went back to trying to read my social feeds and listen to my iTunes. This still doesn't feel "right", but it'll do for right now because it doesn't take a whole helluva lot of concentration like reading a book would, and I'm not in the mood to watch teevee right now, either.
I was planning on leaving Jazz's cat bed in the office for Ra to use, as a sort of comfort thing, but J wasn't so sure he could take looking at it right now, so he took Jazz's old bed out of the office and replaced it with the brand new spare bed we got from a friend from at the shelter (Laurel Burch designs FTW) and put it where Jazz's bed used to be. Ra is a bit confused by the new edition and lays on the floor along side it instead. ;/
I'm just so...restless and bereft...largely from wondering what I'm going to do to fill my days now that they don't involve the intense care taking of a sickly, very elderly cat. It mostly involved small, frequent feedings; monitoring of her toilet habits; keeping track of her med schedule; and making sure to plan week day appointments around J's ability to work from home so he could feed her while I was gone. That and logging most of her activities for vet purposes if she got sicker, which was actually a bit time consuming sometimes. I also won't be making weekly trips to the vet's clinic for supplies and food. I don't have to do any of that any more. While that's guiltily somewhat freeing, especially for my pocketbook, it's also, again, leaving me feeling a bit adrift and bereft.
I grieved hard for Diva cat when we lost her back in July, but because I still had Jazz to care for I didn't have this weird restless and as distinctly adrift and bereft feeling. I know we just lost her, that it'll take time to adjust to her being gone, especially since I had her as part of my life for 17 years. That I shouldn't be so hard on myself wondering why I feel as I do. What I'm going through is perfectly natural and "right" and I just need to "feel it in order to heal it." I need to accept that my role as care giver is now extremely diminished--Ra's got chronic issues that require pills in the AM and PM, but nothing that major where he can't be left alone for a day without one of us here. Lars is a completely healthy four year old; he, too, can be left alone for a day or night if the urge comes to us. That's something we haven't been able to experience for over four years since Jazz first fell ill with her renal failure. And that's a WEIRD feeling!
As for how the cats are doing...Ra seems to be alright, though he's hanging out nearby in the doorway to the office, but Lars is definitely picking up on the stress and grief in the house. He looks worried and spent some time sitting on J's lap here in the office. I'm sure we'll notice more bewilderment in the coming days as they realize Jazz isn't coming home again. I'm prepared for the boys to act out with each other, and for Lars to perhaps "think outside the box" a time or two as well. We'll love on them extra much in the coming days to comfort them; I believe animals grieve the loss of their peers, so...yeah...
It's the little things that'll "get" us in the coming days--a stray sparkle ball or mouse she used to play with, her food bowl on the floor (which J just tripped over and decided to hide in the cabinet under the kitchen sink), stuff like that. I won't have my sleeping buddy anymore--she would always end up camped on my side of the bed at night after J rolled over on his side. I'll have to temporarily substitute for awhile with my stuffed dog. Maybe now Lars will attempt to sleep on the bed more--we were both pretty sure Jazz intimidated him with her alpha cat status and that kept him from coming to sleep with us on the bed. We shall see.
I think it's going to take me a long while to adjust to a life without Jazz. Can't be with some living thing for 17 years and one week (I got her the week before Thanksgiving in 1996) and not have an adjustment period when they've left you. I've got J and all my friends (both in real life and cyber) to lean on and a good therapist, LOL. I've been to this rodeo before--I should come out of this just fine...I hope! :/
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